'Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity'

Anxiety, I find, is like herpes: it surreptitiously materialises with little warning, and can remain undetected for quite some time, until it completes its final journey or carnage. Granted, anxiety rarely results in a mouth that looks like it’s been raped by a rabid squirrel; but then again, not many things do. There doesn’t seem to be a steadfast cure for either of them either, and both will tend to reoccur at times when you need it as much as a fish needs a bicycle. But I will keep focused on the anxiety issue here – venereal diseases are for another time and, (thankfully) not my forte.

I have been a sufferer of anxiety all my life as far as I know, which explains my premature birth, my obsessive compulsive tendencies, and my extreme lack of patience... wait, that is everyone in South Africa dealing with Telkom. If I leave my anxieties to fester for days or weeks, visible signs start to develop. One of these is the telltale glazed over look I get; one I can only liken to that of a schizophrenic patient with cataracts, or Carrie Prejean on Larry King.

The internal symptoms, however, tip the unpleasant-scale far more significantly. An inner jumpiness manifests, as though all my organs are moshing to a silent System of a Down tune on repeat. It is impossible to calm myself down once these drums have started up, and my level of agitation grows exponentially. It is the greatest anomaly I have witnessed – I appear as calm as Buddha, yet my body is having an internal epileptic fit.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (and I don’t know any to consult with) to determine that continued anxiety and agitation directly result in decreased production at work, low concentration and a tendency to redirect your frustrations onto innocent bystanders; although the latter is perfectly acceptable if said bystander is a Telkom employee. These results tend to initiate a vicious circle, because of course all of the above will make you more anxious and tense. Bar popping more pills than Wacko Jacko or identifying the starting culprit, there really isn’t much that you can do except attempt to catch it in its early stages (likewise for Herpes kids). My advice is to invest in some meditation music to placate Serj Tankian and his drums down a little. Additionally, an oil burner will not only relax you, but mask the smell of the copious cigarettes you smoked in your room over the last few anxious weeks.

Failing that – hit the vodka. Guaranteed to calm you the f**k down!