Great Expectations

After setting aside 3 months in which to achieve my planned goal – I regret to inform that unless this is executed with some degree of leniency and room for human nature, it is about as likely to come to fruition as an apple tree in Chernobyl. Success within the given time is no doubt the respected and expected product, however if the bar is set too high; the time frame too small; or the result board set in mere black or white … well the likely outcome is bound to be failure of some form.

I have known since the moment I arrived here to ‘get better’ that it would be difficult to ascertain the exact measure of these words, or even if I was on the right road towards it. The expectations for me to recover from bulimia were – in retrospect – a little narrow minded. It was always known that breaking my ties with the porcelain express would, on its own, not crack the nod as having recovered from the illness. It was set more as a process of learning how to cope with life difficulties and of self understanding. In light of this, I am not going to waste more energy wondering if I have hit the target, as the answer will unquestionably be ‘Hell No!’ I can assume with some certainty that even Chuck Norris himself could not learn these things in 3 months. I have, however, succeeded in getting into a healthier frame of mind, in gaining self worth, and in keeping my eating disorder under control. For this I would like at least 2 brownie points … and maybe a badge. I have worked for it and I deserve it.

For those that know me, it might be all too clear to you that I do not have it all figured out just yet, but that I learn along the way. I will resolve not to crack like a fat kid at boot camp under the pressures of expectations that do not match my ever changing personality or my wellbeing at the time. I am not going to drag myself down because I make some mistakes along the way, because I am self preserving or because I have not achieved the golden title yet … as far as I’m concerned, the cake mixture can be as good as the cake.