'Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity'

Anxiety, I find, is like herpes: it surreptitiously materialises with little warning, and can remain undetected for quite some time, until it completes its final journey or carnage. Granted, anxiety rarely results in a mouth that looks like it’s been raped by a rabid squirrel; but then again, not many things do. There doesn’t seem to be a steadfast cure for either of them either, and both will tend to reoccur at times when you need it as much as a fish needs a bicycle. But I will keep focused on the anxiety issue here – venereal diseases are for another time and, (thankfully) not my forte.

I have been a sufferer of anxiety all my life as far as I know, which explains my premature birth, my obsessive compulsive tendencies, and my extreme lack of patience... wait, that is everyone in South Africa dealing with Telkom. If I leave my anxieties to fester for days or weeks, visible signs start to develop. One of these is the telltale glazed over look I get; one I can only liken to that of a schizophrenic patient with cataracts, or Carrie Prejean on Larry King.

The internal symptoms, however, tip the unpleasant-scale far more significantly. An inner jumpiness manifests, as though all my organs are moshing to a silent System of a Down tune on repeat. It is impossible to calm myself down once these drums have started up, and my level of agitation grows exponentially. It is the greatest anomaly I have witnessed – I appear as calm as Buddha, yet my body is having an internal epileptic fit.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (and I don’t know any to consult with) to determine that continued anxiety and agitation directly result in decreased production at work, low concentration and a tendency to redirect your frustrations onto innocent bystanders; although the latter is perfectly acceptable if said bystander is a Telkom employee. These results tend to initiate a vicious circle, because of course all of the above will make you more anxious and tense. Bar popping more pills than Wacko Jacko or identifying the starting culprit, there really isn’t much that you can do except attempt to catch it in its early stages (likewise for Herpes kids). My advice is to invest in some meditation music to placate Serj Tankian and his drums down a little. Additionally, an oil burner will not only relax you, but mask the smell of the copious cigarettes you smoked in your room over the last few anxious weeks.

Failing that – hit the vodka. Guaranteed to calm you the f**k down!

Coping is for Big People

Having started and dropped 4 Bachelor degrees, and being on my second ‘break out of life’ period to recover from an eating disorder – one would think that I should be accustomed to the harrowing emotions of making life changing decisions. Regretfully, I have to admit that my over sensitive and ardent nature still gets the better of me, and I can be seen listening to James Blunt whilst crying into my pillow. In my defence however, I do believe that experiencing all-consuming heartache can make an emo kid out of the most hardened characters.

I am still disappointed with myself. I allowed myself to relapse into the ‘numbing the pain’ phase, and am now suffering the consequences of the proverbial broken heart and a torrent of overwhelming emotions. Denial seems to have a benevolent way of temporarily numbing the pain in this case, and only in hindsight is it a good idea to face it head on.

This scenario and the aftermath of my decision has also made me question whether I am capable of being a true adult – whatever that means – if I mentally crumble when faced with difficult times. Playing devil’s advocate (yes I have not been to therapy for a few weeks), perhaps I should think closely about the many adults there are in the world who still cannot handle the coffee being switched to decaf, let alone major break ups and intercontinental moves. Bad example, given, but maybe there is some truth in not beating myself up about being a little immature with regards to life and the sick and twisted lessons it throws our way.

I don’t deal well with the big blows; perhaps I never will, perhaps I will learn on the 10th kick from the universe, or perhaps the 50th. However, right here, right now I will just have to see myself through this pain and <insert sarcastic tone here> accept it as one of “life’s lessons”, while investing in some Doc Martens and a black trenchcoat.

Great Expectations

After setting aside 3 months in which to achieve my planned goal – I regret to inform that unless this is executed with some degree of leniency and room for human nature, it is about as likely to come to fruition as an apple tree in Chernobyl. Success within the given time is no doubt the respected and expected product, however if the bar is set too high; the time frame too small; or the result board set in mere black or white … well the likely outcome is bound to be failure of some form.

I have known since the moment I arrived here to ‘get better’ that it would be difficult to ascertain the exact measure of these words, or even if I was on the right road towards it. The expectations for me to recover from bulimia were – in retrospect – a little narrow minded. It was always known that breaking my ties with the porcelain express would, on its own, not crack the nod as having recovered from the illness. It was set more as a process of learning how to cope with life difficulties and of self understanding. In light of this, I am not going to waste more energy wondering if I have hit the target, as the answer will unquestionably be ‘Hell No!’ I can assume with some certainty that even Chuck Norris himself could not learn these things in 3 months. I have, however, succeeded in getting into a healthier frame of mind, in gaining self worth, and in keeping my eating disorder under control. For this I would like at least 2 brownie points … and maybe a badge. I have worked for it and I deserve it.

For those that know me, it might be all too clear to you that I do not have it all figured out just yet, but that I learn along the way. I will resolve not to crack like a fat kid at boot camp under the pressures of expectations that do not match my ever changing personality or my wellbeing at the time. I am not going to drag myself down because I make some mistakes along the way, because I am self preserving or because I have not achieved the golden title yet … as far as I’m concerned, the cake mixture can be as good as the cake.

Learning to Motivate Yourself, and Other Household Tips

There seems to be an excess amount of encouragement going around these days from books, media and movies – even the newsreader on ETV told me this morning to shoot for the moon, because apparently even if I miss, I will land amongst the stars. I think this is a great way of thinking if you’re an astrologer, but rather futile for the other 6 billion people who live in the real world and do not have time to translate that into a Chinese tattoo.

Perhaps it is my cynical mood today that is urging me to bludgeon motivational speakers, or perhaps this is my bitter and envious voice talking – the one that unfairly vents frustration on those who are able to do things I cannot – in this instance, frustration with those who wake up motivated and somewhat enthusiastic each day. I have motivation in me, but it seems to mostly make its appearance when all else is already unbalanced, the Jerry Springer bouncer coming in to fix the mess of a one on one fight with myself again. I sit and wonder how these motivated people got to where they are.

I have read a fair number of self-help books and I have been on one (one too many) motivational course, but the eagerness to actuate change wanes far too quickly for it to making a lasting impact on my behavioural thought patterns. Am I not working hard enough at it? Should I be reading these books on a regular basis? (Pray no!) More importantly – do I lack the necessary willpower to motivate myself? The topic makes me uncomfortable and is often shoved to the back of mind alongside Matric calculus and other such cobweb topics. This is possibly a pre-emptive measure to save myself from the daunting score that I am weak and/or lazy; that my long standing problems go hand in hand with weakness, and I indulge this weakness every time I give in and go with what I am used to because it is the easier option.

There is a time and place for Dr. Happy-Go-Lucky and his annoyingly blissful disciples to tell me how to motivate myself; it might even change me for a day. However I do think that when I am feeling a little slack in the self-motivation department, the effects of listening to his wise words delivered with the enthusiasm of an ADD kid on Prozac will only be disastrous and infuriating. Not to worry, in the mean time I will pick myself up as I always do, and will urge any ‘shiny happy people’ to stay clear for a little while or risk being bludgeoned.

Mugshot

While my anticipatory wait for my trophy mug – the one defining me as ‘Well Adjusted Woman of the Year’ in a gold banner below a gimpy picture of a toothy grinned me – continues, I have had plenty of time to ponder on the specifications of the person in the picture. As with everything that I write – it will in all probability come out as a contradictory babble of words – but I will stick with it, and maybe this will make sense one day when I look back at it. Then again, it could be another tragic case of 80’s fashion syndrome … where time, place and contextual reasoning counts as no reasoning at all.

It is easy to invent the physical picture of your ‘happy’ self in your head. Most of my life, the picture of a content and adjusted me that I dreamt up was actually just me having reached a certain goal weight or a certain control over food (adding in a few wrinkles, some sag and my ever changing hair colour for realistic adaptability.) Only from age and of course my incredible wisdom (!), did I come around to the fact that instead I had personified the age old proverb that no fat on Berty makes for cold and miserable person. Indeed, Buddha looked like a very chirpy fellow; the Fat Controller always had a smile to share with Thomas – even if it was a little suspect; and those colourful Teletubby creatures wouldn’t stop smiling even if you smashed their fingers in one by one with a hammer. Whilst I am sure it can be anticipated that these profound words are leading to a cliché about how weight does not determine happiness, but it is what is underneath that matters – I will resist but tacitly agree to the fact.

It is difficult to form a mental image of feelings and emotions we want to feel, and personality traits we aspire to have in the future as we cannot put a visual image to it. However, it is vital that we do all think of these things, as no amount of gazing at a picture of a thin you with a Ferrari will help you to become the person you want to be, unless that person is actually just a thin you with a Ferrari … in which case, fair enough.

Whilst I have realised that I have still not managed to write down any of the attributes I wish to see in myself in the future, I do have a few in mind, and I am a lot closer to figuring them all out since embarking on this journey of bed blogging, babbling, deliberating, meditating, whining, smoking and coffee drinking (from interim ‘World’s Best Dad’ mugs and the like).

Over Analyse This

There is an inherent psychologist in most people, one that analyses our actions and feelings in an attempt to try and define more clearly who we are as a person. The stark reality is that my self-analysis is clearly not all that efficacious; otherwise I would not be paying someone else to aid the mental spring cleaning process.

Mine is a weary and nonplussed mind, one where over-analysis has been forged into a habit of trying to attach a concept to everything, to name it, define it, judge it, value it and categorize it. This makes simple daily experiences a mentally tiring affair, and – with regards to my eating disorder – a meal into the beginning or the end of the world.

This was the vestige that I needed for me to wave my proverbial white flag, and to surrender to someone who may just have more knowledge on the subject – however threatening this was for my narcissistic side to accept. The challenge of this relinquishment began with me having to put faith in this individual to help me filter through my thoughts and feelings; to believe that she would be the rational voice I needed to assist me in rejecting the negative, growth hindering thoughts … my own personal Simon Cowell for reasoning if you will. It seemed too mammoth a task to unscramble the confusion in my head alone, the multi-faceted thought processes and some of the never ending contradictions: thinking about everything, thinking of nothing; of being torn between wanting so desperately to feel something, and wanting to numb myself and be disengaged from all emotion.

By apportioning some of the analysis, a hope emerged in me that it would alleviate some of the pressure my own mind feels to dissect everything on a massive 'teenager text message' level. I am learning now that unfortunately the process is slow, that my obsessive mind will take time to adjust, and that this hope should actually be seen as a combination of belief and hard work on my part ... there are no miracles in the world of eating disorders, I am disappointed to report.

My objective is to experience life and what it is I am seeing, without delving too deeply into my thoughts on it, or reasoning behind it; to give my mind the much needed liberation it deserves from the world of complexity I have created in my head. I want to see a sky - to see it as such, and nothing more.

Medication vs Meditation

The issue of using medication in the treatment of depression and eating disorders has invariably caused much debate and discussion. Each person dealing with either of these illnesses will have their own stories to tell on the matter, and it remains – as with most things that are vitally important to our mental health – rather frustratingly ambiguous.

My thoughts on the use of medication, and indeed the repercussions of it, are nothing short of a disarray of contradictions. There are times when I feel that the Fluoxetine medication I am on may be stabilising me somewhat, while at other times I feel it is about as useful as popping Smarties. My main gripe is that I feel that dissociation goes hand in hand with my illness – especially bulimia. Bingeing and purging is my way of connecting to something, when I feel most dissociated from life and the world around me. From past observations of being on Fluoxetine, I came to realise that the drug ultimately has the same outcome; making you feel less affiliated and in touch with the outside world. This time around I am on 60mg a day, which is three times the basic dose – and enough to leave you feeling like a walking zombie at times. So it does make me question why doctors are so eager to prescribe me (and millions of others) this medication, when dissociation is something that only exacerbates the binge triggers? Surely this is like giving Red Bull to an Insomniac?

When I first received treatment in 2003/2004, I think it was imperative for me to get the chemical balance that medication provides, but this time around I am inclined to think that I must look past merely getting my eating patterns stable and the chemicals in my brain correct, and work hard at the underlying issues of the dissociation, and why I find the world so frightening that I need to cut off from it in the first place.

This is where attempting new methods of recovery has become a part of my daily life. By finding ways to connect with myself, and to subsequently feel part of the bigger picture – I feel less urge to escape reality and immerse myself in the private little hideaway in my head. For fear of sounding like a hippy (I was a little dubious of these methods) – meditation, relaxation techniques, positive affirmations, and self hypnosis are all helping me to connect. Time spent with myself and in the environment is also assisting with correlating my body to everything – for as long as my body remains a separate empty vessel, I will continue to abuse it.

For now, medication and meditation seem to be working in conjunction well, and I am in a much better space than when I arrived home 3 weeks ago. However, I am not sold that 'walking zombies that meditate' are functional in the long run. The proof will have to be in the pudding ...

Pushing Boundaries

We all grow up with fighters inside of us; we all learn from a young age how to assess our current state of endurance, and then push this boundary in order to gauge our strength.

Me – I’ve always been an all or nothing girl. This is what I like to call it, but the preferred family variation is ‘obsessive compulsive psycho.’ This is a personality trait that has at times been beneficial, but has mostly made it difficult for me to feel comfortable in that middle ground that is supposedly a balanced life. Some of these idiosyncrasies are harmless ones that I have accepted will never leave me; while others will involve hard work to ensure that they do not overlap into one extreme realm or another. I do not foresee my obsessive cleaning and immaculate bed making as being detrimental to my wellbeing, although I think perhaps cleaning the linen closet in the middle of the night might be a step too far. However, sometimes this ‘all or nothing thing’ mentality – when translated into food, control issues or general attitude in life – starts to unhinge your mental state and send you spiralling into a gyre that is difficult to extricate from.

Both my mental and physical health has taken huge hammerings from this type of behaviour. I pushed myself mentally and physically, always trying to get a step further, but unfortunately it reaches a point where the disorder takes over from you and shoves you violently past this brink and even further than you ever imagined. It is at these low points where it is easy for me to crack when somebody tells me that they wish they were as thin as me. I have been in that situation, wanted to be thinner (oh to be thinner!) but believe me, when you have pushed yourself too far into the danger zone, you lose all control and all you want is out.

My danger zone is 41 kgs: every time I push myself to eat less, exercise more, and binge and purge to the point where I am 41 kgs, I suddenly panic. This is the point where there is no turning back: where 41kg’s too easily becomes 40kg’s, and then 39 kg’s. You are unable to see how sick you look, you are not listening when people are telling you not to wear a bikini because you scare them … and the disease just keeps pushing you further and further. The same can be said about bulimia – there are times when it can start ‘recreationally’ and then transpire into an all consuming incubus that takes up every inch of your head space and the majority of your day. Both are full time jobs, and if one could be paid per hour for misuse of the body … well I would be retired in Majorca.

I have great respect for boundary pushers like athletes, whose tenacity and mental strength is unfathomable, but the trick is to do it with discernment. Now my priority is to make sure that I set realistic and healthy boundaries for myself to obtain a balanced life, and am certain that the only one I will be pushing in the near future will be the skydive on my next birthday.

No Lunatic is an Island

‘No Man is an Island’ they say. ‘The Only Thing Worse than One is None’. It is true that we need people around us for social interaction, support, intellectual stimulation and, well, because that is what a society is: many different people living together. However, this system of working in unison towards certain purposes or goals, building relationships, sharing experiences, knowledge and feelings seems futile when individuals (like yours truly) are consciously choosing the path of the one man band.

I decided to take this route alone a long time ago: shutting people out, shielding myself from possible turmoil and rejecting support from the many who offered it to me in favour of the rationalisation that Almighty I would somehow McGiver myself out of the darkest times alone. Not foreseeing that isolating myself would induce feelings of loneliness and solitude that resembled the worst scenes of Cast Away, was definitely one of my less insightful moments, with of course many more nonsensical ones to follow suit.

It has taken many years for me to realise that, like immigrants, no matter how many barriers are put up, bad things and bad people will always find another way in. So I finally made the intelligent decision to let people into my battered world; to let them help and support me no matter how co-dependant it made me feel. Now that the plan is set – to develop my one woman island into a thriving metropolis of people, alliances, and support networks – I find myself wondering if people will want to join, or if the cynics will predict a solo performance from me once again. They have reason to believe this, but I guess all I can do is come up with a guest list, send out the Facebook invitations, entice them with promises of good times and many laughs, lots of punch … and hope that they will join me on my island.

Endorphin Junkie

While to me the notion of bungee jumping, micro-lighting off a mountain or worse still, jumping out of a plane seems utterly preposterous; I am sure that extreme sport devotees will perceive starving oneself, or spending an afternoon with your head in a toilet bowl, as about appealing as a session of non anaesthetised root canal. Yet, we all have our little highs that make our brain feel giddy: be it chasing the adrenalin or endorphin rush, or to just simply seek five minutes of a pleasurable feeling that we immerse ourselves in.

The danger of my eating disorder lies in the fact that I become obsessed and addicted to the high of control, and addicted too, to the release of endorphins. These behaviours and dependencies are as dangerous and malignant as drug addictions. And although I am in no danger of injecting Class A’s into veins between my toes, stealing from a needle dispensary, or losing a limb – I am in the same danger as these addicts as losing my mind in the continuous chase of a high, and the contradictory craving of the numbness that will subsequently follow.

I remember in my worst times of anorexia, the euphoria of extreme hunger pains. The exhilaration and power I felt, believing that each cramp was one step further to control over myself and my emotions. Logically, when our bodies are telling us that they are in pain – we treat this pain and try to relieve it, which in this case would be a meal to keep the acid from screaming up your throat like a toxic waste geyser. But whoever said eating disorders were logical.

Similarly, few may know that in fact, one of the addictions to bulimia is the chemical release of endorphins during purging. In many parallel ways to anorexia - with the ultimate goal being intoxication and numbness - bingeing and purging will produce an escape from reality and a high so powerful it is surprising that Keith Richards hasn't given it a whirl.

The harsh reality is that sometimes reality is harsh. But once we start using little highs as a tool to escape the real world and numb ourselves into a comatose state, we run the risk of never seeing this fact, and consequently never seeing the fact that sometimes - and I hear from well adjusted sources that this can be rather frequent - reality can also bring many natural joys that are just as exhilirating, but much less detrimental to your teeth.