Endorphin Junkie

While to me the notion of bungee jumping, micro-lighting off a mountain or worse still, jumping out of a plane seems utterly preposterous; I am sure that extreme sport devotees will perceive starving oneself, or spending an afternoon with your head in a toilet bowl, as about appealing as a session of non anaesthetised root canal. Yet, we all have our little highs that make our brain feel giddy: be it chasing the adrenalin or endorphin rush, or to just simply seek five minutes of a pleasurable feeling that we immerse ourselves in.

The danger of my eating disorder lies in the fact that I become obsessed and addicted to the high of control, and addicted too, to the release of endorphins. These behaviours and dependencies are as dangerous and malignant as drug addictions. And although I am in no danger of injecting Class A’s into veins between my toes, stealing from a needle dispensary, or losing a limb – I am in the same danger as these addicts as losing my mind in the continuous chase of a high, and the contradictory craving of the numbness that will subsequently follow.

I remember in my worst times of anorexia, the euphoria of extreme hunger pains. The exhilaration and power I felt, believing that each cramp was one step further to control over myself and my emotions. Logically, when our bodies are telling us that they are in pain – we treat this pain and try to relieve it, which in this case would be a meal to keep the acid from screaming up your throat like a toxic waste geyser. But whoever said eating disorders were logical.

Similarly, few may know that in fact, one of the addictions to bulimia is the chemical release of endorphins during purging. In many parallel ways to anorexia - with the ultimate goal being intoxication and numbness - bingeing and purging will produce an escape from reality and a high so powerful it is surprising that Keith Richards hasn't given it a whirl.

The harsh reality is that sometimes reality is harsh. But once we start using little highs as a tool to escape the real world and numb ourselves into a comatose state, we run the risk of never seeing this fact, and consequently never seeing the fact that sometimes - and I hear from well adjusted sources that this can be rather frequent - reality can also bring many natural joys that are just as exhilirating, but much less detrimental to your teeth.