Control Pants/Control Issues

I know that the common misconception of an eating disorder is that one begins with weight issues, and then these begin to manifest into an obsession and subsequently an obsession with food, or the lack thereof. I think in my case there is about as much truth in this as there is in a bulimic eating an entire chocolate cake (followed by lemon cheesecake) because she is just rather hungry.

I was, in fact, an emaciated ‘alien’ when my problems came knocking on my boarding school dorm door. And so, despite the fact that I did not worry about being too fat to fit into my 24” Levi’s, I still developed the same problem that those ‘chubby’ girls did. It was a case of craving control, not control pants.

However it is true to say as well, that even though it was not the start of my problem, I have still succumbed to being one of those clichéd anorexic/bulimic girls who obsess about weight and dress size, and inches and BMI, and grams and cellulite rolls. I am a rational, independent – and sometimes I like to think smart – woman, yet think the most irrational thoughts about how disgustingly huge I am, that I am revolting in every way, and not far off from looking like Pavarotti sans the moustache and beard. Victoria Beckham is on the front page of nearly every ‘reputable’ (for UK girls) newspaper and when I see a picture of her bony frame, I still think how easy it would be if I could get back to that weight. I can see and understand that this is crazy - that the woman looks like she could hardly give birth to a hamster, let alone 3 decent sized human beings – and yet in the boxing match between rational Roberta, and Eating ‘Tyson’ Disorder, the latter always has the punch.