Medication vs Meditation

The issue of using medication in the treatment of depression and eating disorders has invariably caused much debate and discussion. Each person dealing with either of these illnesses will have their own stories to tell on the matter, and it remains – as with most things that are vitally important to our mental health – rather frustratingly ambiguous.

My thoughts on the use of medication, and indeed the repercussions of it, are nothing short of a disarray of contradictions. There are times when I feel that the Fluoxetine medication I am on may be stabilising me somewhat, while at other times I feel it is about as useful as popping Smarties. My main gripe is that I feel that dissociation goes hand in hand with my illness – especially bulimia. Bingeing and purging is my way of connecting to something, when I feel most dissociated from life and the world around me. From past observations of being on Fluoxetine, I came to realise that the drug ultimately has the same outcome; making you feel less affiliated and in touch with the outside world. This time around I am on 60mg a day, which is three times the basic dose – and enough to leave you feeling like a walking zombie at times. So it does make me question why doctors are so eager to prescribe me (and millions of others) this medication, when dissociation is something that only exacerbates the binge triggers? Surely this is like giving Red Bull to an Insomniac?

When I first received treatment in 2003/2004, I think it was imperative for me to get the chemical balance that medication provides, but this time around I am inclined to think that I must look past merely getting my eating patterns stable and the chemicals in my brain correct, and work hard at the underlying issues of the dissociation, and why I find the world so frightening that I need to cut off from it in the first place.

This is where attempting new methods of recovery has become a part of my daily life. By finding ways to connect with myself, and to subsequently feel part of the bigger picture – I feel less urge to escape reality and immerse myself in the private little hideaway in my head. For fear of sounding like a hippy (I was a little dubious of these methods) – meditation, relaxation techniques, positive affirmations, and self hypnosis are all helping me to connect. Time spent with myself and in the environment is also assisting with correlating my body to everything – for as long as my body remains a separate empty vessel, I will continue to abuse it.

For now, medication and meditation seem to be working in conjunction well, and I am in a much better space than when I arrived home 3 weeks ago. However, I am not sold that 'walking zombies that meditate' are functional in the long run. The proof will have to be in the pudding ...