Over Analyse This

There is an inherent psychologist in most people, one that analyses our actions and feelings in an attempt to try and define more clearly who we are as a person. The stark reality is that my self-analysis is clearly not all that efficacious; otherwise I would not be paying someone else to aid the mental spring cleaning process.

Mine is a weary and nonplussed mind, one where over-analysis has been forged into a habit of trying to attach a concept to everything, to name it, define it, judge it, value it and categorize it. This makes simple daily experiences a mentally tiring affair, and – with regards to my eating disorder – a meal into the beginning or the end of the world.

This was the vestige that I needed for me to wave my proverbial white flag, and to surrender to someone who may just have more knowledge on the subject – however threatening this was for my narcissistic side to accept. The challenge of this relinquishment began with me having to put faith in this individual to help me filter through my thoughts and feelings; to believe that she would be the rational voice I needed to assist me in rejecting the negative, growth hindering thoughts … my own personal Simon Cowell for reasoning if you will. It seemed too mammoth a task to unscramble the confusion in my head alone, the multi-faceted thought processes and some of the never ending contradictions: thinking about everything, thinking of nothing; of being torn between wanting so desperately to feel something, and wanting to numb myself and be disengaged from all emotion.

By apportioning some of the analysis, a hope emerged in me that it would alleviate some of the pressure my own mind feels to dissect everything on a massive 'teenager text message' level. I am learning now that unfortunately the process is slow, that my obsessive mind will take time to adjust, and that this hope should actually be seen as a combination of belief and hard work on my part ... there are no miracles in the world of eating disorders, I am disappointed to report.

My objective is to experience life and what it is I am seeing, without delving too deeply into my thoughts on it, or reasoning behind it; to give my mind the much needed liberation it deserves from the world of complexity I have created in my head. I want to see a sky - to see it as such, and nothing more.